are you in your flop era or are you just moving onto better things?
11 reasons for staying this month
hi and welcome back to reasons for staying, which is my semi-regular autoethnography for gratitude. š I wrote about needing a phone prison, drawing in the morning before your brain gets occupied, and solving puzzles to please cats. Enjoy! š
Iāve been thinking about how Iāve just like, BEEN in a transitionary state of my life. For ages! I was transitioning off work, then Iām transitioning back into work, my creative hobbies are becoming more enjoyable but they certainly donāt allow me to quit my job. But I feel hopeful about the creative work, and itās going much slower than I had hoped. I have a feeling this may just be how I feel for the rest of my life, but thatās how negative feelings areā you think theyāll be forever, until one day you realize itās over and has disappeared over the horizon, and now you are headed out to have some ice cream.
The den in our apartment is now colloquially called the ājunk roomā, for good reason. I cannot accept this, so I have big plans to make it into a more inviting and comfortable space where we can jam and read and hang out.
I went BACK TO WORK, which was BORING and ANNOYING, but I have responded to it better than I thought I would. I am resilient and awesome and my brain works well.
The consumerist bug sunk its teeth into me last month ā every thought about spending money made me worry I was going to blow way too much of my income to be wise. But I upgraded my desk set up in time to go back to work. Yes, the 9-5 does not spark joy, but at least I can make it more tolerable.
Rather than trying to come up with a dream job that satisfies all of my creative itches (there is not one), I have been thinking about how to satisfy my creative itches without tying them to work. This is because I donāt even understand my creative desires sometimes. So instead I am trying to regularly put a drawing pen in my hand or make myself sit at the keyboard instead of working on concrete projects. Iāve been trying to do my creative practice in the mornings before I start working and my mental energy gets used up on work. Itās actually working???
After two weeks of avoidance and illness Iāve started to eat my Kit Kats from Bulk Barn again.
I think the Friendship Dip, as described by Anne Helen Petersen, is already happening to me. When I was in school I thought Iād have more time but actually ā¦ the active strategies to maintain and cherish your friends has to start NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO GET CREATIVE !!!!! It has been hard and frightening to do anything social the last year because of my brain but I am forcing myself to do it more and do it better because I know itās good for me.
Iām trying out the idea of doing nothing mentally effortful at least one day a week to see if that helps my mental health and to try more aggressively decouple the idea of productivity as the only way.
Serious Eats is such a fun blog. I love their recipes that walk through the methodology of making things delicious. Here is my favourite kimchi fried rice recipe. Just look at it.
I went to pick up some new prescriptions and it was so hot outside. On the slow, slow walk back I took a detour and parked my ass in a swing. It finally came ā my sad little moment sitting on a swing like in the movies. It felt good but not that good, but it was satisfying to force myself to do nothing but feel sad.
I need a box to put my phone in when Iām working. It has to be a special, cozy box that I decorate myself ā the drawer Iāve been sliding my phone into when I need to focus doesnāt cut it. It needs to be ceremonious and enjoyable to lock my phone away.
In an effort to stop ruminating and scrolling on my phone, I have been playing MEOW TOWER, which is a game where you solve nonograms for money so you can buy furniture for cats in your neighbourhood and befriend them. The illustrations are cute even though the mechanics themselves are a little strange ā why am I making a tower for cats? Why is this catās room literally just the beach? Why can I exchange cans of food for an office chair? But being paid to solve puzzles is fun and it stops me from scrolling online and hating myself.
Thatās it for August. What brought you joy this month? Do you have any rituals that make you feel better?