getting my brain mapped because I have something seriously wrong with me

july 2025's reason for staying: starting neurofeedback, going to the movies, petting a fat cat, walking for EVER !!!

hi welcome back to reasons for staying, which is my semi-regular autoethnography for gratitude. 💛 I wrote about my phone usage hang-ups, being bested by a fancy restaurant’s bathroom sink, and falling asleep in the theatre. Enjoy! 💞

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• I’m officially in my social media fast, which means I’m trying not to scroll on anything at all, though often in moments of weakness I scroll LinkedIn and imagine myself working for a company that has snacks in the office.

• I went to get my brain mapped; they put a cap on my head and injected gel into it (the cap, not my head). The technician, after a few moments of staring at her computer, said, “I’ve never seen anything like this before,” which confirmed it: I had something deeply wrong with me. Until she realized the machine wasn’t plugged in. I’m normal! As of now.

cool plate seen at blue button / muffi chill af cat / eating a beef egg pancake while walking during the heatwave / a really cool reworked apparel store / i made bagels for the first time / no pooping on this grass. / crying after going on my first roller coaster / the basement of a really cool used bookstore i went to and took a huge dump in / someone i just met drew me while we were at a co-housing meeting!

• I went to see A Phoenician Scheme Dir. Wes Anderson with my friend V; her boyfriend recommended it but fell asleep in the theatre. Both of us fell asleep in the theatre multiple times, at the exact same times. During a pivotal scene I couldn’t read what was on the screen, the text was too small. In the end we were both confused.

• I bought a new projector and have rediscovered this YouTube channel called New Bliss that I used to use as study background noise when I was in university. Now I project it onto the wall as a way to cope when I'm drawing at my coffee table.

• I've been struggling in social settings as of late; I remember reading in Stone Fruit by Lee Lai — the aunt says to the main character that it doesn't really matter how you show up to things as long as you show up. So now instead of feeling guilty about how I was coming across in a social setting I try to allow myself to feel good that I even showed up in the first place instead of doing what felt less scary, which was stay home.

• I took my boyfriend to an Italian restaurant on the west side of town and all the faucets in the bathrooms (private so I could not ask someone else for help) were molded in the shape of a golden goose; I spent five sweaty minutes yanking on the wings in every direction pulling directly up on this handle before I crawled back to the table, hands unwashed, begging my boyfriend to help me figure out the fucking faucet; he returned from the corridor 5 seconds later having figured it out. My hands were burning with the knowledge that they were unwashed and we were about to eat. Make your faucets accessible people.

• I went to Bulk Barn.

• I've been reading about Craig Mod recently because I think his whole model of how he's creatively sustained himself is really cool — and he walks SO MUCH every day. I've been thinking about walking more now that I’m about to return to work and because it seems to be a really good solution for stopping yourself from feeling worse when you already feel bad. Anyway his practice is to walk for like 20 to 40km a day, dictate his thinking, initiate conversations with strangers, no digital distractions whatsoever, like no music, no checking his phone, nothing, and then process all his notes and photographs for 3-5 hours each evening. It's SUCH a disciplined schedule, but I guess if you're by yourself walking in rural Japan you may have less distractions than usual. Anyway I've been trying to do that when I'm on smaller walks just going to groceries because I get so absent minded if I’m just going to and from somewhere on my phone trying to answer emails or texts. Then again, I feel like if I don’t do my ‘phone tasks’ while on the go then I will do it at home when I don’t want to be on my phone. Can you tell I have an intense number of hang-ups about this. Anyway when I'm talking on my phone like that I feel like I'm a high-powered CEO or something asking an EA to schedule a meeting to address a hostile takeover but really I'm just talking about my own neuroses into the voice notes app.

• I didn’t know this, but there's some kind of chemical reaction that happens to garlic when you put jalapenos into a pickle brine and they turn blue. I made nachos for the first time yesterday and this happened and I felt like science was real again.

• I felt very grateful that I had changed my work password to something less embarrassing than ‘fart bucket’, because I had to write it out on paper for IT today.

• I’m experiencing a departure from the ‘programming the self’ Andrew Huberman-ish mindset that I’ve been living where instead of treating my mind and body like a dumb stupid animal that needs protocols and rigid plans to flourish, I try to treat myself more like an intelligent person with capacity for changing desires and energy. Rather than making me a useless human being I think this is just making me happier. Who knew?

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That’s in for this month’s records. I’m trying to post more frequently so that I can be the change I’d like to see in myself. I’d love to hear from you — what brought you joy this week? What’s good?